| Dealing with the bully |
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Many times people join Martial Arts in order to gain confidence, or to build self esteem. This is a great thing, because martial arts will get you in better shape,and you will learn valuable skills, and you will gain confidence and self esteem by testing yourself in class. One big problem I see often is students joining a school because a bully has been bothering them. The bully is usually some insecure person who feels a need to feel good about himself and his skills, by picking on others. He may have very little skills, or may have great skills, but bottom line, he's still just a bully!
Students always ask me my opinion on how to handle these people, and the advise is always the same. Be smart, and be careful, and do not let anything upset you, unless the bully puts a hand on you, then we are in a whole different arena. What do I mean by be smart? I mean, use your mind, many people find a way to bully others over the internet, this is real dumb, because by being smart, you should save all their emails, or any threat they have directed toward you in any way, that is smart! Because if anything ever comes of these threats, you are covered as far as the law, and proving someone was harrassing you. The other side of being smart and careful is by you not writing any threats of your own, do not stoop to this level, as legally and publicly, you are now an agressor as well. I have dealt with alot of punks in my time, and they always do the same things, for one, they mostly talk alot of hot air, some do follow through, and they usually end up in jail eventually, because that is their path, a real toughguy from the street is usually a career criminal, who loves to fight and lives for his reputation. A martial arts tough guy is different, he is someone who wants to prove himself in the ring, or in challenge duels. The martial arts toughguy is usually a young guy who hasn't matured yet. Some of these guys actually think they are warriors, like their forefathers in their chosen art, yet they are just children, lacking the real confidence and humbleness of a true warrior, they are not engaged in any real war at all, except with themselves.
In profesional sports and even amatuer competitions, their is head games played, to get your opponent to mentally lose before your bout, this is different than some little punk playin with your head, as their is an actual competition going on. The punk who isnt a competitor, and is just more of a predator, lacks the real courage to step into the ring, and just can't feel good about himself, because thats what he really wants to do. So he takes his insecurities and tries to overcompensate by picking on other people. He is really nothing more than a weakling at heart. He may engage in friendly competitions on the side, and over exaggerate his abilities to his freinds.
I have been around the block, and I have met many real tough guys, and they usually fit into 2 personality types when they are adults. The first type is a nice guy, who is very confident, but also very cool, just a down to earth guy that never really brags, and even goes out of his way to help people. The second type is a psychotic type of person, always worried about letting people know how tough he is, he needs to always be acknowledged as the tough guy wherever he goes, he needs to enforce his dominance over people wherever he goes. This guy usually has a criminal record, and usually is divorced one or more times and has problems throughout his life revolving around his insecurities. I used to hang out with a guy who fit the second type, he was the toughest guy around our town, i was with him at a club one time, when someone stepped on his shoes on the dance floor(imagine that) a crowded dance floor and someone steps on your shoes! Well he went on to start a fight, he ended up shoving a beer bottle down this guys mouth, knocking out about six teeth, and getting locked up. Then while in prison, he had to show he was tough, so he beat the prison tough guy up, and then was given more time. Now sit back and think, this was all because someone stepped on his foot! The cycle will continue throughout his life. Of course I don't socialize with him much these days.
So now lets move onto the martial art bullies. Their is again two types, one is a competitor and is so wrapped up in competiting that he sometimes takes it into the street or he just needs to show everyone that his style or school is the best, he likes to throwdown, but in a dueling sense of the word. The other is the weak bully we spoke about earlier, he is just a wannabe, he probably is one of the top guys in the school he trains at, so people at his school think he is worthy of respect, and they kiss his ass. He probably has skills yet is nothing special when compared to his peers. He needs to be protective of his style, or teacher, and has to act like an enforcer. Ha Ha, I cant help but laugh at these types. They are easy to deal with, you just ignore them, and they usually take your humble approach as weakness, and they get a feeling or superiority, let them feel this way and just ignore them, kill them with kindness, or occasionally you can push their buttons and see them fly off the handle, they do this because they think they are such a badass! Thats the fun part. But in all seriousness, as an adult, it is stupid if your not a competitor to just get into fights. I for one, need to provide for my family, and if some punk wants to threaten me, and does it in a real threatening way, then i must defend myself, and its all or nothing, somebody will get serious injuries, either him or me, but it wont be some duel or sparring match, it's life or death. If it's not a real threat, then you can just walk away, but if it is real, you can't just assume that person will play fair, and you can't risk getting injured and having your family on the street because you can't provide for them while you are injured, so it's all out. Most bullies of this type aren't really willing to go all out, they are willing to go all out in an MMA type of way, but not in a real street encounter way! So don't let their words intimidate you.
Bottom line, do not pretend to be something your not, don't act tough on the internet, don't act tough on the street, unless you can back it up, and by back it up, I mean going all the way, guns, knives, etc. As an adult, don't be fooled by little wannabes, or people who want to talk smack all the time, they are a dime a dozen. I lost 16 or more of my friends to early death by the time I was like 24 years old,some were murdered, some died of accidents, some of drugs, I seen alot of stuff and have alot friends on both sides of the law. I choose my battles very wisely, i would rather make friends than make enemies, I am content with who I am, I don't want to be anybody else. Most insecure people want to be like someone else, they aren't happy with themselves. I have ventured out of my own martial arts comfort zone and have trained with top notch Masters from all over, I realize how little I really know when compared to any Master.
I spent many years on the street and hung out with some very bad people, and I am very content not being known as a tough guy. When you are known as a tough guy, you have to always look over your shoulder, and you have to always live up to your reputation, otherwise you will look soft! And looking soft on the street takes away all your credibility. These are the realities of being a real tough guy. If you choose to stay on the streets, then you will repeat the same cyle over and over, you will end up like every other psychotic tough guy, either dead, or in jail! As for the wannabe bullies, they will never be content, never achieve their real dreams, always have an excuse, because those are the guys who really lack confidence, they will always live off some poor little followers who look up to them, insecure leading insecure!.
Martial Arts are about loyalty and honor, but don't blow it out of proportion, you don't need to fight battles with people who didnt't like your video clip, or people who sit behind a computer talkin smack, it's a waste of your time. Not everyone has the same taste in styles, or arts, not everyone looks up to the Masters, and many people aren't impressed with anything unless it's real special. I haven't seen any clips I am real impressed with in a long time, but I won't just tell someone they suck! Why would you feel a need to insult someone like that? Just to feel special, or just to start a fight between schools? It's just stupid. It is different if someone is bragging how great they are, then you may want to share your opinion, but do it with respect. Look at any real military group, their is discipline, their is a code of honor, it's not all macho bullshit,, they are real warriors, they may be called to war. Any bully in the military is dealt with accordingly, he doesnt stand a chance, he must learn to be a team player, or he is broken down until he is humbled. Many wannabe martial arts tough guys have no code, have no real honor, they can't admit they are a civilian who has a hobby that happens to be martial arts! They really arent a warrior at all.
Some students are often pumped up by their teachers to go out and spread their arts superiority, when in reality their teacher is just using them to recruit more students, to MAKE MORE MONEY! I don't care about what arts are taught to military, I dont care about someones reputation in a foreign land, I dont care about the warriors of old, I dont care about these things in respect to making me feel special or like a badass. I care about these things in a way of history and showing respect for the people who came before us, but I don't try to emulate them, I live in America in the year 2008, I don't carry a sword, If I carry a weapon it will be a knife or a gun! I don't feel threatened by a enemy tribe approaching, I feel threatened by local gangs, I feel threatened by the local dealer who will stick me up when he needs some cash, thats the reality of my environment. I deal with those issues accordingly, I don't pretend I am a shaolin monk or a fillipino,chinese, or indonesian warrior! I don't carry a bunch of knives on me, thinking I will cut anyone who bothers me, without using logic first. Have you ever seen somebody get stabbed? Do you think you will feel like a tough guy if you stab someone? I have been cut by a knife in the street, it is nothing like what you expect.
All the cyber tough guys who threaten others over the net, are just immature. Let them feel like big man on campus, how could you really take them serious? If you are a respectful person and havent started trouble with anyone, why would someone feel a need to threaten you? Because they are just a bully, full of insecurities. If you didn't like someones video and said you didnt care for it, or didn't care for their Masters form, or video, it should be acceptable, everyone has their own tastes, yet some of these wannabe warrior students will start a fight with someone over their opinion of a video. Only in an insecure arena as martial arts, will you see this nonsense. This is truly why Many Masters will not post on the internet, they don't want to deal with all the immaturity, which sucks, because it would be very cool to be able to communicate with these Masters and ask important questions, etc. But they feel ity's not worth the time, dealing with the bullies and immature people.
I hope this article has helped some people, maybe with some laughter, maybe with some points to make you think about, or maybe some good ideas about dealing with a bully. This article is in relation to non competing athletes, it is aimed at dealing with the martial arts bully who likes to push his weight around on weaker people off the mats. I have all respect for people who compete, and thats a different ballgame with head games and such tactics. The situations above, are also not what a high school kid may encounter, as high school fights are usually duels and not really life or death, they have to be handled a little differently.
I have learned from such true Masters as Gokor Chivichyan(judo and sombo Master), Herman Suwanda(silat empty hand and weapons Master) Gary Lam(wing chun combat Master) Li Tailiang( Internal Martial Arts and modern Sanda Master)Dan Inosanto(jeet kune do and fillipino martial arts Master), Remy Presas(fillipino martial arts Master) and I have taken seminars with many more Masters. I have to say, none of these true Masters were ever a BULLY, and none ever felt a need to threaten others, or act like tough guys. I have also hung out with some bad people, some were wannabe badass, some were really badass, and I can honestly say the wannabes can be dealt with accordingly, the real badasses need to be avoided, unless you are willing to go all the way with whatever starts, because it usually doesnt end with just a handshake after fighting, as someones reputation and street credibility is on the line. SO CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY.
If your an adult and martial arts is your life and hobby, you can have confidence and honor and still be mature. If you want to compete, then get in the ring. With all the supposed knife fighting experts and weapon experts out their, I would ask which ones have actually used any of these weapons? Which ones are knife fighting experts based on actual knife fighting in a civilian environment, and which ones are marketing to get a group of devoted followers? I would say 99 percent of these experts train a cultural martial art, based on foreign lands military methods, which have little to do with civilian encounters, and the other 1 percent are probably in law enforcement, where again, it's not the same as civilian encounters.
If someone needs to make fun of other peoples videos, they should at least have clips of themselves up their to be criticized as well. And if someone wants to promote their art, they should show clips of themselves doing the art, not some old Master in another country, who has mastered the art, show what you have learned, and what was passed down. I think it is ok to promote a Master by showing clips of him, but I am more impressed to see the skills passed down as well.
On a whole one of the biggest problems I see in martial arts, is insecurities! Many people get into the arts because they are insecure to begin with, then the arts help them mature, have confidence and use the philosophy to succeed in life. Others just gain confidence in fighting, yet remain insecure and end up becoming bullies themselves. I see so many arguments about" we only train for real" or "we train for the streets" etc etc. I say you should train for whatever makes you happy, just don't put down others who don't think as you do. If you plan to carry a weapon, I advise you to study the laws in your state, see what self defense you can apply without ending up in jail, laws are very different in many states.
For people dealing with a bully in school, I will be writing an article on that soon, their are some differences from dealing with adults. You have to face the bully in school daily, and it can be a miserable experience if you do not know how to set him straight.
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